1 00:00:14,86 --> 00:00:21,85 Yes. That's not how you play here. That's the problem new 2 00:00:21,86 --> 00:00:28,14 girl and you've played this game before I don't know about you girls but. I hate it 3 00:00:28,15 --> 00:00:31,76 when they don't know how to play I estimate you have three point one four seconds 4 00:00:31,77 --> 00:00:37,66 to run away but what do I know. I say we teach you the. 5 00:00:42,53 --> 00:00:48,98 Power and not in the not. Going that 6 00:00:49,68 --> 00:00:55,74 was not. Listening girls. 7 00:00:59,33 --> 00:01:02,22 Get. It Wrong. 8 00:01:08,33 --> 00:01:08,51 But. 9 00:01:22,64 --> 00:01:22,86 Know. 10 00:01:34,44 --> 00:01:34,60 That. 11 00:01:53,92 --> 00:01:54,24 There comes 12 00:01:54,25 --> 00:02:08,97 a couple snitch. Stand up straight over the market. As 13 00:02:08,98 --> 00:02:14,14 most. You must be missing us. 14 00:02:17,70 --> 00:02:24,48 Aha want. Us. There again. Let me see. 15 00:02:26,08 --> 00:02:26,71 Looks like you've been 16 00:02:26,72 --> 00:02:33,59 a very naughty girl haven't you. Just said my darling instead casualness but 17 00:02:33,60 --> 00:02:39,92 that's only one man even vandalism. Gambling violent 18 00:02:40,05 --> 00:02:46,96 conduct. Disrespecting step dad. Oh I'm scared 19 00:02:47,16 --> 00:02:52,85 you. Can't mine you. Never met someone. 20 00:02:54,56 --> 00:03:00,47 Never mind you see all the pleasures all my. Team me up 21 00:03:00,48 --> 00:03:09,29 a ball please. Tell 22 00:03:09,30 --> 00:03:15,20 me. Why should I waste my time with someone. Else 23 00:03:15,51 --> 00:03:20,63 because it's my calling it's my cause to get up in the morning. 24 00:03:23,48 --> 00:03:28,81 And you next sell. Causing my Excel. 25 00:03:30,17 --> 00:03:31,64 Fixing in young girls like. 26 00:03:38,69 --> 00:03:39,97 So I'm broke and have. 27 00:03:52,90 --> 00:03:59,41 A school is what needs fixing. Scuse me. I don't understand us to get out of this 28 00:03:59,61 --> 00:04:04,27 prison other than one of the company of us you will learn to be 29 00:04:04,28 --> 00:04:10,23 a respectable member of this community aboard Academy. I think it's nice to respect 30 00:04:10,23 --> 00:04:16,63 . I can see that you and I are going to become very good 31 00:04:16,96 --> 00:04:21,45 friends. You keep your nose clean Rob clean it for you. 32 00:04:41,68 --> 00:04:48,44 So I hear. Afternoon classes are about to begin I suggest that you 33 00:04:48,45 --> 00:04:55,15 go back to your dorm fix your uniform before the bell rings so. 34 00:04:58,55 --> 00:05:05,47 Yes. Remember you keep 35 00:05:05,48 --> 00:05:07,80 your nose clean while cleaning for your. 36 00:05:31,43 --> 00:05:32,14 Love life. 37 00:06:19,92 --> 00:06:21,63 Please welcome cab and no. 38 00:06:27,01 --> 00:06:32,99 You are to me Leslie Uggams. Thank you so much I'm happy to be here I'm 39 00:06:33,00 --> 00:06:35,25 a professional comedian this is what I do for 40 00:06:35,26 --> 00:06:38,43 a living for those you know that means that means I got fired from my service 41 00:06:38,44 --> 00:06:44,00 industry jobs throughout it all it took to go pro by you know is it easy I want to 42 00:06:44,01 --> 00:06:48,38 approach years ago honestly. And I used to work for one of these restaurants like 43 00:06:48,39 --> 00:06:48,99 to refer to it as 44 00:06:49,00 --> 00:06:53,90 a family staffers like over the big old way it went around here like well that's 45 00:06:53,91 --> 00:06:54,94 the case there was 46 00:06:54,95 --> 00:07:01,50 a lot of incest in this family was true but he is living with everybody who's going 47 00:07:01,51 --> 00:07:05,41 to do you know the host of the bus were related but I think it's right you're. 48 00:07:06,88 --> 00:07:11,16 Right and you're going to expressionist younger you are like family I guess would 49 00:07:11,17 --> 00:07:11,30 be 50 00:07:11,31 --> 00:07:16,32 a compliment now where I come from how dare he said to somebody say that's gay just 51 00:07:16,33 --> 00:07:22,01 like family he says racist things in the most inopportune time. Anybody dislike 52 00:07:22,02 --> 00:07:26,39 family make me feel small when no one else in the world ever because. You guys are 53 00:07:26,40 --> 00:07:30,69 like family I know nothing about you and the only one talking to you you have your 54 00:07:30,70 --> 00:07:35,60 entirely to drop so thanks for showing up in. Prison is damn early this year. 55 00:07:38,05 --> 00:07:41,70 My family are very Catholic people as well as you were Catholic also Catholic my 56 00:07:41,71 --> 00:07:46,77 first birthday was an intervention you guys accept that. That's 57 00:07:46,78 --> 00:07:49,70 a broad deal if you're a Catholic and alcoholic and 58 00:07:49,71 --> 00:07:53,89 a they tell you to give up control higher power higher power blood it is literally 59 00:07:53,90 --> 00:07:59,41 news your god. They serve wine in Mass every time you walk into church you're 60 00:07:59,42 --> 00:08:01,04 walking into a bar that is 61 00:08:01,05 --> 00:08:06,02 a bottomless pit of Christ every Sunday. And covers whatever you have your pockets 62 00:08:06,03 --> 00:08:11,26 kids free and free for some reason. Well we have ties here to go with your parents 63 00:08:11,27 --> 00:08:16,64 well. Now it's a Catholic guy's going to have 64 00:08:16,65 --> 00:08:21,44 a college so now the atheist. Seller was like 65 00:08:21,45 --> 00:08:26,92 a video game I beat all the levels I'm done right it was. Going to be play the same 66 00:08:26,93 --> 00:08:30,98 game over and over again for the rest of my life is more dish was going to see what 67 00:08:30,99 --> 00:08:32,99 else is out there trying being a Jehovah's Witness for 68 00:08:33,00 --> 00:08:38,10 a couple years with balance of dollars and birthday presents every year that's 69 00:08:38,11 --> 00:08:43,09 religion like you get on board with savings. On Jehovah's Witness in the house 70 00:08:43,10 --> 00:08:48,27 apparently. There are no windows down here so it makes 71 00:08:48,28 --> 00:08:53,76 a lot of sense was there's no reason to grow much just accurate statement about 72 00:08:53,77 --> 00:08:59,58 their religion and how they don't have all right let's get back to me was I knew 73 00:08:59,59 --> 00:09:02,33 you guys are going to grow to something because you've been doing it all day long 74 00:09:02,34 --> 00:09:09,26 for no good reason. I missed. This past holiday season my dad told me they 75 00:09:09,27 --> 00:09:11,36 want to become a priest which I thought was 76 00:09:11,37 --> 00:09:18,37 a pretty old school way of coming out I'm like both your parents are dead do 77 00:09:18,38 --> 00:09:19,45 you got to be dad is 78 00:09:19,46 --> 00:09:23,73 a different world out here now I'm out already I'd rather have 79 00:09:23,74 --> 00:09:28,70 a good dad and dad is a precept easier to explain to people. And so people have 80 00:09:28,71 --> 00:09:30,79 a priest and a twenty minute conversation about 81 00:09:30,80 --> 00:09:33,85 a religion that only you believe in anymore it's all people have 82 00:09:33,86 --> 00:09:37,94 a gay dad and like you my buddy Kylie got one of those last week everybody goes 83 00:09:37,95 --> 00:09:44,36 deep dad. So hip and trendy these days have. So 84 00:09:44,61 --> 00:09:49,68 I'd like to go record shop in from time to time Personally I like to go for patient 85 00:09:49,69 --> 00:09:54,20 care as well if they paid me to say that I don't know why mention their business 86 00:09:54,21 --> 00:10:00,01 but he did away. And I found so I found this record recently was in the Dollar been 87 00:10:00,32 --> 00:10:04,02 Believe it or not it's a Bill Cosby. Yeah why would 88 00:10:04,03 --> 00:10:06,75 a Bill Cosby record be the dollar bit this date is 89 00:10:06,76 --> 00:10:13,04 a great album. And name of this album is it's true it's true 90 00:10:13,11 --> 00:10:19,32 was I. The. 91 00:10:20,02 --> 00:10:24,10 No you know in one thousand nine hundred sixty not he was telling us long ago 92 00:10:24,11 --> 00:10:29,68 everyone. Mr Cosby have anything to say regarding these allegations it's true it's 93 00:10:29,69 --> 00:10:34,83 true. And when it is praised you like oh you know I didn't like was. 94 00:10:37,76 --> 00:10:44,76 Was accusing prejudice of his like. If you look on 95 00:10:44,77 --> 00:10:51,70 the back I'm not making this up side one track one it's the women's fault the 96 00:10:52,12 --> 00:10:57,96 yeah. It's your goddamn you say all these allegations it's the women's fault. 97 00:10:59,84 --> 00:11:04,65 And at the end of side what I once again I'm making this up Spanish why he was 98 00:11:04,66 --> 00:11:08,08 telling us all walk that's why he's got that basically these people are too stupid 99 00:11:08,09 --> 00:11:11,97 to figure out what it is in their record and they're never going to figure this 100 00:11:11,98 --> 00:11:17,51 shit out thankfully he figured it out conspiracy Yeah because of the conspiracy 101 00:11:18,05 --> 00:11:18,16 with 102 00:11:18,17 --> 00:11:22,61 a crazy six sites he was just what track it is as I don't you're talking about his 103 00:11:22,62 --> 00:11:29,35 dreams is find me it was God inspired so happy holidays everybody happy God. 104 00:11:53,42 --> 00:11:59,39 Answered OK I. I tried to highlight. Her. 105 00:12:00,43 --> 00:12:05,23 Phone actually must be at work it is Friday June twenty first you guys are about to 106 00:12:05,24 --> 00:12:12,01 do the show and. I could do this one because all your homes are to. One that you 107 00:12:12,02 --> 00:12:16,23 know that I was sexually. Assaulted by 108 00:12:16,24 --> 00:12:20,67 a wall that's why I'm not going to be on the show this week really scared I think 109 00:12:20,68 --> 00:12:24,72 it will have anybody. Who says I have 110 00:12:24,73 --> 00:12:29,85 a wife who has never. Had to hustle I have 111 00:12:29,86 --> 00:12:34,51 a bunch of comic books that no one would ever get rid of and I can read them when I 112 00:12:35,24 --> 00:12:38,93 I think back to. Like I do. 113 00:12:43,01 --> 00:12:48,78 Before if they do. Week hopefully. 114 00:13:00,10 --> 00:13:02,85 Paranormal rape is no laughing matter according to 115 00:13:02,86 --> 00:13:07,15 a recent survey by the United States Paranormal Activity researchers the sexual 116 00:13:07,16 --> 00:13:09,99 assault of vision one in four people will be raped by 117 00:13:10,00 --> 00:13:14,21 a ghost or specter by the time they turn twenty five we've got both the tools to 118 00:13:14,22 --> 00:13:20,63 track and trap ghosts so we call us and we'll close the lid on your 119 00:13:20,64 --> 00:13:24,90 paranormal right problem called the Goes trappers today and don't let yourself 120 00:13:24,91 --> 00:13:29,68 become another statistic of paranormal rape trap your ghosts before the ghosts get 121 00:13:29,69 --> 00:13:30,31 in your trap. 122 00:13:40,38 --> 00:13:43,96 Former of the evening you can see them all over Denver give it up for the very 123 00:13:43,97 --> 00:13:45,63 funny Evan Johnson everybody. 124 00:13:52,87 --> 00:13:57,47 Really into Facebook lately I really like Facebook is on there if you know this but 125 00:13:57,48 --> 00:13:57,96 they added 126 00:13:57,97 --> 00:14:02,71 a feature where you can follow people know without being their friends and I really 127 00:14:02,72 --> 00:14:06,30 like that because that's how I interact with people in real life. 128 00:14:11,46 --> 00:14:18,28 Because. Well about me I live about forty five minutes away from anything 129 00:14:18,34 --> 00:14:21,59 just anything fun or interesting I live forty five minutes away from that it's 130 00:14:21,60 --> 00:14:26,52 girls in solidarity with me it's horrible it's the work mates are to do comedy 131 00:14:26,67 --> 00:14:30,64 makes it even harder to bring like women home from comedy you know I mean I can 132 00:14:30,65 --> 00:14:34,76 imagine that imagine driving forty five minutes home with 133 00:14:34,77 --> 00:14:39,01 a guy you don't know imagine that you can't because I guy's going to kill you after 134 00:14:39,02 --> 00:14:43,29 thirty minutes all right you're dead after thirty minutes he's losing that extra 135 00:14:43,30 --> 00:14:46,05 fifteen minutes to bury you all right it's not 136 00:14:46,06 --> 00:14:50,30 a good situation also it's like way too much build up you know I mean like forty 137 00:14:50,31 --> 00:14:53,84 five minutes from my average Dick you know I mean like it's not going to be good. 138 00:14:55,38 --> 00:14:59,83 Why do you really do you really want to wait forty five minutes to have 139 00:14:59,84 --> 00:15:00,74 a bone session with 140 00:15:00,75 --> 00:15:07,75 a guy who's still cold six bone slashes. I don't think so I think that's why you 141 00:15:07,76 --> 00:15:12,12 want to end your Saturday. At a friend recently had 142 00:15:12,13 --> 00:15:14,96 a friend who was like dude why don't you just when you when you get to their house 143 00:15:14,97 --> 00:15:19,50 when you drop them off just invite yourself into their place that they have to just 144 00:15:19,51 --> 00:15:24,39 invite yourself into their place it's I have to do one because that's not how 145 00:15:24,40 --> 00:15:28,19 invitations work what the fuck are you telling me and by my what you're tricky 146 00:15:28,20 --> 00:15:34,81 vampire like I am but myself in Slate No. It's not. You talking about second 147 00:15:34,82 --> 00:15:37,29 off the reason I don't invite myself in 148 00:15:37,30 --> 00:15:41,50 a woman's house is. I never went to college you know I mean I never learned out 149 00:15:41,51 --> 00:15:47,80 harass women and having sex with men I never never thing I learned to do. That are 150 00:15:47,81 --> 00:15:51,78 alive on my charm or my wit my ability to trick people into thinking I'm trying and 151 00:15:51,79 --> 00:15:57,68 waiting that's all I've done is great now they're working political people. 152 00:16:01,14 --> 00:16:05,10 People got shot by dumb from becoming president of the people on my Facebook 153 00:16:05,11 --> 00:16:10,05 especially with me it was like I can't believe this I can't believe this I can't 154 00:16:10,06 --> 00:16:14,40 believe there are so many people with bigoted ideas ideals that we would have have 155 00:16:14,41 --> 00:16:18,33 gone from become but I can't believe that we have the you know who can believe it 156 00:16:18,69 --> 00:16:22,35 every minority in the country it's not that hard to believe you get fucked with all 157 00:16:22,36 --> 00:16:27,42 the time I get fucked with all the time for being Hispanic you guys but can you see 158 00:16:27,43 --> 00:16:32,93 me I'm go yeah clearly is panic not the whole class of all kind of Us men all right 159 00:16:32,93 --> 00:16:38,06 . That's not all right I don't have like a fucking do rag on 160 00:16:38,07 --> 00:16:41,11 a bandana hanging on my pocket if I did that he purely 161 00:16:41,12 --> 00:16:45,63 a fashion choice that's all I'd be like that matches my shoes that's all I'd want 162 00:16:45,64 --> 00:16:51,72 is to look you as one of the cute you understand. I'm not Danny Trejo Hispanic I 163 00:16:51,73 --> 00:16:55,65 like Bruno Mars especially right I. 164 00:17:00,82 --> 00:17:02,41 People freaked out over jumping on 165 00:17:02,52 --> 00:17:06,91 a lot of people nothing I saw people go off as being like hash tag love when you 166 00:17:06,92 --> 00:17:11,58 guys hash tag love when I know that Don time became president but don't worry hash 167 00:17:11,59 --> 00:17:18,53 tag love always wins and all those people are aware but we had an election. There's 168 00:17:18,54 --> 00:17:23,14 now I have it all the opposite of what happened we all watched the opposite of it 169 00:17:23,15 --> 00:17:27,37 happen it was written like love didn't win love never won anything loves going out 170 00:17:27,38 --> 00:17:33,37 about zero and infinity All right it's never one shit it's never won anything is it 171 00:17:33,53 --> 00:17:38,23 guys you understand when you're losing at tennis they call that love I. 172 00:17:40,69 --> 00:17:46,62 Thank you they go you ten fifteen imaginary points and you have nothing but the 173 00:17:46,63 --> 00:17:51,54 love in your heart which is fucking what. I thought for you guys give it up for 174 00:17:51,55 --> 00:17:58,43 a few weeks thank you. Thank you 175 00:17:58,44 --> 00:17:59,53 yes and everybody 176 00:17:59,54 --> 00:18:12,17 a. OK 177 00:18:12,18 --> 00:18:15,96 class we have a special guest today Humpty Dumpty at 178 00:18:16,03 --> 00:18:20,78 a thank you but I go by William and thank you for coming home so everyone we're 179 00:18:20,79 --> 00:18:25,35 going to take turns and ask him do whatever you want so who wants to go first OK 180 00:18:25,39 --> 00:18:29,38 Eric are you quite an advanced class you have here no I'm not 181 00:18:29,39 --> 00:18:31,30 a ball Eric has mommy or daddy have 182 00:18:31,31 --> 00:18:35,74 a fed you an omelet Yeah well that's me next question yes this girl on the front 183 00:18:35,75 --> 00:18:40,27 with the obnoxiously cute bows in her head that's Ashley wonderful My daddy used to 184 00:18:40,33 --> 00:18:42,25 own his own restaurant he served eggs over 185 00:18:42,26 --> 00:18:46,15 a hundred different ways whether it looks like I'm quite fortunate to have gotten 186 00:18:46,16 --> 00:18:49,96 past daddy's International House of eggs and haul Rose I'll be sure to tell my 187 00:18:49,97 --> 00:18:52,35 friends to look out for a man with hard boiled breath and 188 00:18:52,36 --> 00:18:56,92 a dream next. Yes you were the one with the gelatinous substance escaping from your 189 00:18:56,93 --> 00:19:01,84 toes that Todd Yes take your business do you have a nose Do I have do you have 190 00:19:01,85 --> 00:19:05,94 a helmet to protect that valuable brain casing what anyone else have 191 00:19:05,95 --> 00:19:11,08 a question yes actually oh this one again my dad he says he used to follow one of 192 00:19:11,09 --> 00:19:15,39 the highest laws in the state he actually proudly tells his children that fact he 193 00:19:15,40 --> 00:19:19,72 says that the mind is hurt so bad if you know how to do it how interesting Oh 194 00:19:19,73 --> 00:19:21,00 please have him give me 195 00:19:21,01 --> 00:19:24,92 a ring so he can tell me the tricks of the trade next yes you this is 196 00:19:24,93 --> 00:19:28,61 a bra yet it doesn't matter do you like the drama they've been working on drawings 197 00:19:28,62 --> 00:19:29,03 of you as 198 00:19:29,04 --> 00:19:34,07 a gift for your visit Oh is that right well yes Brian I do like to draw I've even 199 00:19:34,08 --> 00:19:35,43 suggested to moment that they do 200 00:19:35,44 --> 00:19:39,49 a special show for produced by anthropomorphic food characters but I've yet to get 201 00:19:39,50 --> 00:19:42,70 a response from them oh look who it is yes and what 202 00:19:42,71 --> 00:19:45,77 a joy daddy do not get is the impeding that he bought us 203 00:19:45,78 --> 00:19:49,14 a bill from the money. Yes let's take 204 00:19:49,15 --> 00:19:55,20 a look at these drawings. I suppose this is me you can tell by the somewhat round 205 00:19:55,21 --> 00:19:59,83 form included on the psychotic I shall eat you look in my eyes the overall piece is 206 00:19:59,84 --> 00:20:00,28 not unlike 207 00:20:00,29 --> 00:20:04,18 a Philip Absalom my suggestion for future projects would be to explore the negative 208 00:20:04,19 --> 00:20:11,19 space. And this is me at the top yes and what is this I'm doing you just 209 00:20:11,19 --> 00:20:15,40 beat the months you will just call them relatives my Dad Oh shut it I gave you 210 00:20:15,42 --> 00:20:20,12 a No Yes Yes obviously that's an important plot point I'd say your symbolism is too 211 00:20:20,12 --> 00:20:23,97 complex for the common view would understand that's to your credit where I think 212 00:20:23,98 --> 00:20:27,64 the piece fails as the choice of the medium used I recommend experimenting with 213 00:20:27,65 --> 00:20:32,90 acrylic or maybe even water color rather than magic marker you're losing the power 214 00:20:32,90 --> 00:20:36,62 of your message by using inferior means to expression vision otherwise well done. 215 00:20:37,88 --> 00:20:41,71 And what do we have this what is this. 216 00:20:44,15 --> 00:20:51,02 Yeah. You see this is what's wrong with our civilization this is 217 00:20:51,03 --> 00:20:56,56 what passes not only for art but good comedy you don't know what yet but you 218 00:20:56,57 --> 00:20:59,81 already reached the peak of your sophistication and humor poop on 219 00:20:59,82 --> 00:21:00,84 a cone is not only 220 00:21:00,85 --> 00:21:05,53 a fitting metaphor for your taste in popular culture but also your future prospects 221 00:21:05,57 --> 00:21:07,23 of course I mean for those of you that don't have 222 00:21:07,24 --> 00:21:11,53 a daddy that can apparently birth unicorns from his nostrils really you're still 223 00:21:11,54 --> 00:21:14,56 trying to talk it's people like you that can't recognise 224 00:21:14,57 --> 00:21:19,04 a natural born King Leo you all grow up to be these pompous electric aged boys that 225 00:21:19,05 --> 00:21:22,71 think Shakespeare is about dry humping and knives being shoved into people like 226 00:21:22,72 --> 00:21:25,48 shoes and again Suquamish zero zero zero only hope that would have 227 00:21:25,49 --> 00:21:29,62 a dream you have of becoming the world's hairiest man or hustlers hottest trailer 228 00:21:29,63 --> 00:21:33,60 goddess finds its way past those lacking the vision and gratitude to the gift of 229 00:21:33,61 --> 00:21:37,38 mediocrity and banality that you've so graciously dropped on their doorsteps in 230 00:21:37,39 --> 00:21:42,17 a flaming paper bag and you can tell daddy that he can have this for breakfast 231 00:21:42,18 --> 00:21:42,99 tomorrow with 232 00:21:43,00 --> 00:21:49,06 a side of some poached friends of mine Yes Actually my daddy got the part of the 233 00:21:49,07 --> 00:21:52,17 really good steak fearing the park Wow Your daddy is 234 00:21:52,18 --> 00:21:54,96 a special guy like me oh that's not put him on 235 00:21:54,97 --> 00:22:03,86 a pedestal to. Get 236 00:22:03,87 --> 00:22:09,36 it back. This is a six pack comedy production.